Topa Worries and Continued Loss

171.2 today. Awesome! I was going to wait until tomorrow to weigh, but I'm glad I didn't. I needed that boost.

Despite the nearly constant headaches, sweating and weird stomach feelings (not to mentioned involuntary teeth clenching, scalp pain, hair loss, inability to concentrate and muscle cramps), Topamax is effing KILLING right now in ALL the right ways when it comes to quick and consistent weight loss. I don't know what I'll do when I run out.

I've even started to look for more online, but it's so expensive and I don't have any money to spend on anything aside from bills, groceries, gas and diapers. Oh, and liquor and cigarettes. Two things I shouldn't be spending money on anyway.

*le sigh* Simple answer to my dilemma... Finish up the Topa I have and don't get any more after that. The whole point of taking it at all was to get a jump start on my weight loss. I'm already getting that. As long as I don't gain it all back when I'm out of the meds, I'll be good.

I can't lie and say I won't be disappointed when the weight stops dropping off like crazy, but I know deep down that this isn't a sustainable plan of action. I've tried that. Eight months of this shit and I was thin as a rail, yes, but I was also miserable beyond belief. I said I would never go down that road again.

So why did I keep the pills?

Ha. My mind is so screwed up.

Anyway. Time for work. Kisses, ya'll.

P.D.

Jumping Headfirst?

So I have a bit of Topamax left from over a year ago.

I just took my first one about ten minutes ago. Any weird feelings I have in my stomach or head are obviously psychosomatic in nature, which is why it's hilarious that I actually feel lightheaded, dizzy and nauseous. Stupid, silly brain.

I lost so much on the Topa before, almost effortlessly. I've been considering taking these for months, but yesterday was the deciding factor. I was brave enough to purchase a bikini top and wear it to the pool. No bottom yet... Just shorts. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to wear one, but we'll see. I did, once upon a time. Anyway.

I took a picture. It's kind of crappy, but showing my belly at the pool was a momentous enough occasion to warrant a photo.



I could hardly stand to be in public that way, but I did it anyway. I need my belly and back to get as tan as the rest of me. Couldn't stand the internal, infernal comparisons in my head... The girls that are obviously 15, 16, etc. have never had kids, much less eating disorders that have, over a period of four years, essentially wrecked their metabolisms. WTF am I thinking, comparing my body to theirs? Ridiculous. And yet, I can't stop. Ah, I'm brilliant sometimes, you know?

I suppose I should get to work. Make that bank, stack 'dem papers and what have you.

Stay lovely, darlings.