Jumping Headfirst?

So I have a bit of Topamax left from over a year ago.

I just took my first one about ten minutes ago. Any weird feelings I have in my stomach or head are obviously psychosomatic in nature, which is why it's hilarious that I actually feel lightheaded, dizzy and nauseous. Stupid, silly brain.

I lost so much on the Topa before, almost effortlessly. I've been considering taking these for months, but yesterday was the deciding factor. I was brave enough to purchase a bikini top and wear it to the pool. No bottom yet... Just shorts. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to wear one, but we'll see. I did, once upon a time. Anyway.

I took a picture. It's kind of crappy, but showing my belly at the pool was a momentous enough occasion to warrant a photo.



I could hardly stand to be in public that way, but I did it anyway. I need my belly and back to get as tan as the rest of me. Couldn't stand the internal, infernal comparisons in my head... The girls that are obviously 15, 16, etc. have never had kids, much less eating disorders that have, over a period of four years, essentially wrecked their metabolisms. WTF am I thinking, comparing my body to theirs? Ridiculous. And yet, I can't stop. Ah, I'm brilliant sometimes, you know?

I suppose I should get to work. Make that bank, stack 'dem papers and what have you.

Stay lovely, darlings.

Not a goddamned pound...

So I'll try to make this quick because I should be working or having breakfast or something productive like that.

A few months ago, when I was still nursing the baby and, therefore, having to eat a healthy amount every day, my fiancee took away my scale. He knew that I was weighing more than once a day and that not having access to a scale would "help" me. Well, it did and it didn't, apparently.

I asked for it back yesterday because I am starting the INSANITY workout program and would like to track my progress. He agreed to return it as long as I promised to be healthy about my weight loss (obviously no starving, purging, etc.). I promised.

I weighed myself this morning in the usual fashion (after the bathroom, before drinking my glass of water). It's been three months and ...

Nothing. Not a single pound lost. In fact, if I remember my weight correctly from before, it's possible that I've GAINED since the baby.

OMFG are you kidding me?

1
7
5
.

Not even kidding. 175 pounds?! I'm a monster. I figured that maybe, just MAYBE, I had taken all of those nauseating diet pills for a reason, that maybe they had done SOME good, SOMEhow. Oh no. Not even close.

And now I've confirmed what I've known for months. I have to slow down on, if not STOP entirely, the drinking at night. I'm positive that that's the only thing holding me back. I can eat beautifully all day long, topping out at about 1,000 calories (if not less), and then ruin it all by drinking a bottle of wine every night. That's more alcohol calories than food calories. And it's pure sugar/carbs.

Now the question is: How do I stop drinking when it's what I look forward to every single evening?